How to be a better spouse...

Discussion in 'General Discussions' started by Utuna, Apr 2, 2015.

  1. 2,942
    318
    83
    Utuna

    Utuna Administrator

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2013
    Messages:
    2,942
    Likes Received:
    318
    Trophy Points:
    83
    How to Be a Better Spouse

    Being nice, paying attention and praising a partner’s strengths all pay off in a long-term relationship

    Before you get married, everyone tells you that marriage takes work. I never really believed it until my husband and I landed in therapy after four years, two kids and one seismically stressful cross-country move. Turns out you really can't just flip the switch to autopilot and trust love to take care of itself; you have to devote actual time and effort to understanding and appreciating your spouse. Anyone who is married knows that's not always a simple feat. Here's what relationship research (and a touch of game theory) tells us about how to become a better spouse.

    #1 Be nice as often as you can. A lot of modern relationship therapy is based on the research of John Gottman, a prolific psychologist famous for videotaping thousands of couples and dissecting their interactions into quantifiable data. One of his most concrete findings was that happier couples had a ratio of five positive interactions to every negative interaction. “That just leapt off the pages of the data analysis,†he says. It was true in very different types of relationships, including those in which the people were very independent and even distant or argumentative. These positive interactions don't have to be grand gestures: “A smile, a head nod, even just grunting to show you're listening to your partner—those are all positive,†Gottman says.

    #2 Think about what your partner needs, even when fighting. To resolve conflicts, Gottman says we can learn from game theory — the study of conflict and decision making used in political science, sociology and economics. It used to be widely accepted that negotiations were mostly zero-sum situations, meaning one party's gain was the other party's loss. In 1950 mathematician John Nash proved there was another, better outcome: a solution in which the parties may have to compromise, but in the end all of them come out satisfied. (This now famous “Nash equilibrium†won him a Nobel Prize in 1994.) I'm reminded of a recent situation in my own marriage — my husband hated the house we bought a couple of years ago and wanted to move to a different neighborhood; I liked the house just fine and didn't want to go anywhere. After much discussion, we realized that what we both really want is to settle in somewhere for the long haul. If the current house is not a place my husband feels he can settle in, then I can't truly settle in either. So we're moving next month, for both our sakes! Find the Nash equilibrium in your conflict, and you'll both get your needs met.

    #3 Just notice them. “People are always making attempts to get their partners' attention and interest,†Gottman says. In his research, he has found that couples who stay happy (at least during the first seven years) pick up on these cues for attention and give it 86 percent of the time. Pairs who ended up divorced did so 33 percent of the time. “It's the moment we choose to listen to our partner vent about a bad day instead of returning to our television show,†explains Dana R. Baerger, assistant professor of clinical psychiatry and behavioral sciences at the Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine. “In any interaction, we have the opportunity to connect with our partner or to turn away. If we consistently turn away, then over time the foundation of the marriage can slowly erode, even in the absence of overt conflict.â€

    #4 Ignore the bad, praise the good. Observations of couples at home reveal that people who focus on the negative miss many of the positive things that their partners are doing. Happy spouses, however, ignore the annoyances and focus on the good. “If your wife is irritable one morning, it's not a big deal. It's not going to become a confrontation,†Gottman says. “Then when she does something nice, you notice and comment on that.†Guess what that breeds ? More of the good stuff.

    It's this lesson that I'm going to try to implement right away. The guy I'm married to leaves dirty shirts balled up on the floor, never loads the dishwasher correctly and can be prickly when he hasn't had enough sleep — but he is an amazing husband. He's honest, shares his feelings, hugs and kisses me, and basically acts like I matter. I want to show him how much he matters, too, and that all the other stupid little stuff doesn't.

    This article was originally published with the title "How to Be a Better Spouse."

    Source

    I'm busy and tired lately and can only function in paste/copy mode. Sorry. Some more to come soon... ;)
     
  2. 2,942
    318
    83
    Utuna

    Utuna Administrator

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2013
    Messages:
    2,942
    Likes Received:
    318
    Trophy Points:
    83
    I smile whenever I read articles like this one because the WT always scathes the psychologists for being inept and changeable whereas it's not the case at all. Granted, some of them write stupid things or promote behaviours that are contrary to God's commands but in the majority of cases, they write sensible literature and they are often respectful of the dignity of marriage, of the romantic feelings involved and of the moral values of their readers.
     
  3. 2,195
    578
    113
    SingleCell

    SingleCell Experienced Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2013
    Messages:
    2,195
    Likes Received:
    578
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    Sciences
    Location:
    Lala Land, Israel
    Oh but they are inept and changeable :)

    Some aren't of course, as this article shows. But largely psychology will misdirect you away from the truth and into a pit of pharmacy dependence and externalization of blame.

    The 'dirty secret' in psychology is that God is the only real solution, and many of them know it (though they deny the truth of it), they see the outcomes.

    Source: Harvard Psychology department debate against John Lennox
     
  4. 2,195
    578
    113
    SingleCell

    SingleCell Experienced Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2013
    Messages:
    2,195
    Likes Received:
    578
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    Sciences
    Location:
    Lala Land, Israel
    And here is that debate:



    It was actually the neuro-school at Harvard, but the questions are approached from a psyche perspective of terminally ill patients.

    Which of course my black-white brain pushes onto psychology in general ;)
     
  5. 2,679
    933
    113
    Tsaphah

    Tsaphah Experienced Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2013
    Messages:
    2,679
    Likes Received:
    933
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Remember? Sometimes it's hard. But remember the love you had at the beginning, when you really fell IN LOVE. That is especially had to do after many years. Remember, we are not perfect. You might think you are, but you're NOT!!

    At the beginning, was it really LOVE, or just SEX that you were after? Now what has it become? Hopefully, it's still LOVE. Because it says, "Hatred stirs up fights, but love covers all transgressions." (Pr 10:12 LITV) "But the end of all things has drawn near. Be of sound mind, then, and be sensible to prayers; and above all things having fervent love to yourselves, "because love will cover a multitude of sins." (1 Pet 4:7-8)

    I speak from experience, 53 years 4 months!!! Still loving it, Sometimes!! There are those times when I get frustrated. The mate gets frustrated more often because of me!!:eek:


     
  6. 2,679
    933
    113
    Tsaphah

    Tsaphah Experienced Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2013
    Messages:
    2,679
    Likes Received:
    933
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Ooops. One of those moments. 54 years 4 months. :confused: Ya see what love does?
     
  7. 2,195
    578
    113
    SingleCell

    SingleCell Experienced Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2013
    Messages:
    2,195
    Likes Received:
    578
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    Sciences
    Location:
    Lala Land, Israel
    Wow Tsaphah! Congratulations, that is beautiful, a long life together and still together (lol)

    I'm at 7 years, and very much love and respect my wife -- I can't imagine all the times you've been through with your wife brother, a real inspiration.
     
  8. 2,679
    933
    113
    Tsaphah

    Tsaphah Experienced Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2013
    Messages:
    2,679
    Likes Received:
    933
    Trophy Points:
    113
    I immediately thought of the song, Love Hurts by Nazareth, for an answer. The line, "Love hurts, love scars, love wounds and mars, any heart not tough or strong enough to take a lot of pain."

    That's what we need to learn. We can't always have our way. We have to learn to give and take. Roll with the punches. The other line, "Some fools think of happiness, blissfulness, togetherness. Some fools fool themselves I guess. They're not foolin' me." Thats because there are good times and bad times. We have to learn to accept both if we really love someone. We also have to learn how to grow our love. It's like a delicate flower. With the right nutrients, it will blossom and grow stronger. Without those nutrients, it can die. To take an idea and line from Jesus, "give them food at the proper time." And, not to "lord it over them."

    It's been a little bit of everything. I give thanks to Jehovah and Jesus for the success we have had in our family. I can honestly say that without them we would not be where we are at today.






     
  9. 881
    45
    28
    Poetry of Providence

    Poetry of Providence Active Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2013
    Messages:
    881
    Likes Received:
    45
    Trophy Points:
    28
    Occupation:
    retired , tired , sometimes day trader , artist ,
    Location:
    Oregon Coast
    That is most awesome T , I rejoice whenever I learn that some
    have lived up to their "vows" ..I have found it so sad that many
    have used "JW" dogma to rid themselves of their mates ..The
    marriages that survive the mountains and valley's of change
    are the ones that have truly demonstrated the flexibility that
    has been part and parcel of the ability to fully understand our
    own natures ...now I suspect you are older than I thought
    which I thought was about my age ...anyhow congrats are
    due you ...
     
  10. 881
    45
    28
    Poetry of Providence

    Poetry of Providence Active Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2013
    Messages:
    881
    Likes Received:
    45
    Trophy Points:
    28
    Occupation:
    retired , tired , sometimes day trader , artist ,
    Location:
    Oregon Coast
    what can one say , practical advice on the homefront ..
     
  11. 2,942
    318
    83
    Utuna

    Utuna Administrator

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2013
    Messages:
    2,942
    Likes Received:
    318
    Trophy Points:
    83
    [​IMG]

    I agree !

    There are feelings that the life in this system of things might want us to get rid of but which are paramount to God and to those who really meant them.

    One day, I was watching the TV and they were talking about the Alzheimer disease. They were showing the case of a man around 70 yo who was coming day in day out to his wife's Assisted Living Facilities in order to see and take care of her as she was suffering from this terrible illness. He would pamper her like crazy, fondle her face tenderly, talk to her about his life and the news here and there and you know what, he wasn't a JW...

    Wow !

    I was watching the TV one day at noon whilst eating before going to work. It was a trivial game like "the wheel of fortune", for example. The presenter was talking to a woman and started joking about her ex... She interrupted him right away and said : "He may be my ex but he's also the father of my children and as a result, I won't add anything about him henceforth". You know what, she wasn't a JW.

    Wow !

    One day, I was talking on the phone with a friend of mine from Toulouse whom I knew when he was a teen. He was raised in the "truth" but never got baptized. He met a girl one day and started living together with her. Here is what he told me that day : "She told me that she trusted me, no matter what, that she'd support me come hell or high water, that she'd support me even when thinking that I was making a mistake, in the end." You know what, she isn't a JW.

    Wow !

    I'm gonna stop here because I may say things that I don't think, deep inside. The latest WT study articles were an ordeal for many... for as many men as women... OF COURSE

    "A capable wife is a crown to her husband," - Prov. 12:4

    "Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous. It does not brag, does not get puffed up, does not behave indecently, does not look for its own interests, does not become provoked. It does not keep account of the injury. It does not rejoice over unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails." - 1 Cor. 13:4-8

    It never does ! It hopes all things, even what might seem impossible, seem like a miracle !

    I agree too that Tsaphah "reads*" younger than he says he is. I thought he was about my age, at the most. When he said once that he had a granddaughter, I said: Uh ? That can't be ! :)

    *Dunno if "to read younger than" is in pukka English... :p
     
  12. 2,942
    318
    83
    Utuna

    Utuna Administrator

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2013
    Messages:
    2,942
    Likes Received:
    318
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Very interesting explanations I came across a few years ago :

    What is anger ?

    Anger is the emotional drive to protect ourselves from anything we perceive as a threat. It is a normal and legitimate response. Anger is a protective behavior.

    The central issue behind anger is protection against being hurt—hurt emotionally as well as otherwise. Emotional hurt involves feeling disrespected, rejected, inferior, bad, worthless, and so on.

    Anger mobilizes you to take action—this is because anger is energy. When you get angry, adrenalin (energy hormone) is released into your bloodstream and you get energized. You are less likely to feel pain and your strength seems to increase. For a brief period of time anger makes you feel better.

    Anger is a secondary emotion—meaning some other emotion always comes first and triggers our anger response. The emotions that come first are called primary emotions. A primary emotion is any emotion that precedes anger. An important step in anger management is recognizing your primary emotions. A primary emotion is a painful hurt feeling, such as loneliness, sadness, a feeling of inadequacy, rejection, worthlessness, and fear. Anger never happens without first experiencing a primary emotion.

    Source



    The quality of the video is poor but that's the best and most neutral and concise explanation I found.

    Said otherwise : Just upon being back home, if you ever get the soup tureen thrown at your face because you forgot to wear your slippers right away... the truth is out there... :p
     
    Thinking likes this.
  13. 2,942
    318
    83
    Utuna

    Utuna Administrator

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2013
    Messages:
    2,942
    Likes Received:
    318
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Part. 2

     
  14. 2,942
    318
    83
    Utuna

    Utuna Administrator

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2013
    Messages:
    2,942
    Likes Received:
    318
    Trophy Points:
    83
    One of my favorite sentences...

    "Ne craignez pas, douce amie, l'outrage du temps, vos cheveux d'or peuvent
    se mêler d'argent, vous changerez peut-être sans vieillir jamais."

    "Do not fear, my sweet friend, the outrages of time, your golden hair may happen
    to get mixed with silver, you may change too and yet not age ever."
     
  15. 2,942
    318
    83
    Utuna

    Utuna Administrator

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2013
    Messages:
    2,942
    Likes Received:
    318
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Part. 3 is awesome !

     
  16. 2,679
    933
    113
    Tsaphah

    Tsaphah Experienced Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2013
    Messages:
    2,679
    Likes Received:
    933
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Well friends, I think young and at the same time use the bible as a guide. I've had a lot of good and bad experiences in my short lifetime. People ask me what keeps me young and I say, "Rock N Roll!!" I think a few on this forum thought I was BS'ing about some of the subjects I mentioned and commented on. I've never wanted to give any personal information about me or my family. To me, those things are irrelevant. How long I've lived is also irrelevant.

    Utuna, I have 4 great-grand children.:cool: Family has always been important to me. So, yeah I'm a bit down the road in age. One of my first memories is December 7th, 1941 and the bombing of Pearl Harbor. That should throw you all off. It was quite a traumatic event for me. I'm sure that most don't know what a root cellar is. That's where I hid that day, for a short time. I was living with my grand-mother and aunts at the time. They misapplied Rev. 16:12 and said "it's the end of the world" and that the bible said that the "yellow race would rule the world." It wasn't!

    My wife and I still have our "differences". I've learned to "think before I speak." That keeps the temperatures down below boiling. "A gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger." (Pr 15:1) "A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, But the slow to anger calms a dispute." (Pr 15:18) "He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, And he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city." (Pr 16:32) "A man's discretion makes him slow to anger, And it is his glory to overlook a transgression." (Pr 19:11)

    Those examples of bible instruction are easy to read, and talk about. But, application in the face of reality, are difficult to apply. When anger rears it's ugly head, it is hard to ignore. One of the Greek words that is translated as anger is thumos. We have several English words that are derived from that word. Thermos, thermometer, thermo, and actually, furnace.
     
  17. 2,942
    318
    83
    Utuna

    Utuna Administrator

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2013
    Messages:
    2,942
    Likes Received:
    318
    Trophy Points:
    83
    You served in the army, witnessed Pearl Harbor's attack ?

    You're therefore our "Pappy" Boyington....

    We are poor little lambs
    Who have lost our way...

    Baa Baa Baa

    ;)
     
  18. 142
    58
    28
    Londoner

    Londoner Member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2013
    Messages:
    142
    Likes Received:
    58
    Trophy Points:
    28
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    London, UK
    Hi Tsaphah :)


    You witnessed Pearl Harbour as a kid? That makes you at least in your late 70s. Judging from your avatar, you don't look a day over 30! :D

    Yes. Anger. Me and my wife do get angry over certain issues, but we've learnt over the years to "not let the sun go down in a provoked state", so we quickly make peace. It took many years to perfect this! :rolleyes:


    Londoner
     
  19. 2,679
    933
    113
    Tsaphah

    Tsaphah Experienced Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2013
    Messages:
    2,679
    Likes Received:
    933
    Trophy Points:
    113
    No, No, No, I didn't witness the bombing. I'm not that old! I happened to be living with my grandmother in Northern Michigan at the time. Most of my mother, aunts and uncles, were working in the factories in Detroit making B-17s and other weapons of war to help the allies.

    I was messing around with an old pump organ, trying to make music, that my grandmother had. The report came on the radio and my grandmother told me to be quiet. It was the speech by Roosevelt about the bombing. My grandmother and two aunts started hugging each other and crying. That's when my grandmother made the connection of "the kings from the "rising of the sun"", and the "end of the world."

    I was scared and hid in the root cellar which was under the house. I guess you could say it was my "cave". (Rev 6:15) I was just a young tike at that time.

    Londoner is close, and yeah I look like the avatar. :cool: I also want to mention that my wife has eyes in the back of her head. So I can't get away with anything I think she won't see, or hear. :mad:



     
  20. 2,942
    318
    83
    Utuna

    Utuna Administrator

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2013
    Messages:
    2,942
    Likes Received:
    318
    Trophy Points:
    83
    I didn't dislike at all the latest series of WT articles for a couple of verses :

    "Place me as a seal upon your heart,
    As a seal upon your arm,
    For love is as strong as death is,
    And exclusive devotion is as unyielding as the Grave.
    Its flames are a blazing fire, the flame of Jah.
    Surging waters cannot extinguish love,
    Nor can rivers wash it away.
    If a man would offer all the wealth of his house for love,
    It would be utterly despised.
    "" - SoS 8:6-7 - NWT

    Song 8:5-7 - TLB

    The Girl:
    "Seal me in your heart with permanent betrothal, for love is strong as death, and jealousy is as cruel as Sheol. It flashes fire, the very flame of Jehovah. Many waters cannot quench the flame of love, neither can the floods drown it. If a man tried to buy it with everything he owned, he couldn't do it."
     

Share This Page